Monday, March 21, 2011

My Kids and Their Questions

Once I got home from visiting with my mom and step dad, I sat and discussed it all with my family. The kids were particularly interested in their grandparents' reactions. I told them the story.

My daughter (16) said, "So are you just coming out to everyone then?" We hadn't really discussed this with them yet, but I said, "Well, eventually, yes." She started crying. I explained to her that my ultimate goal is to be able to stop living two separate lives and that will require coming out to the people who are closest to us. She said she didn't want her friends to know. I said, "Well honey, they are going to know some day." She cried harder and then I told her that every single decision I (we) make we consider their feelings and that I'm not going to just shout it from the rooftops. She was worried that I was going to post it on my family blog. I assured her that I wouldn't just announce it that way. I said, "I am working my way through the family first, and once a few key people are told then I'm going to tell a few close friends. Once that happens I may just incorporate my two lives into one blog for everyone to read. I don't want to hide anymore!" She said, "I don't want (her best friend) to find out about it because you told her mom." I said, "Well, her mom is one that I would like to sit down and talk to. I will tell you when I'm ready and give you a reasonable amount of time to tell your friend(s) and then I will talk to her mom. I will be sensitive to your needs in that way but you need to know that I'm not going to ask your permission to come out. It's going to happen sooner rather than later. It won't be within the next couple of weeks, but it will definitely be within the year."

At that point she got up and walked away to do her homework. Not very happily, I might add. But things are okay now. She's talking to me and letting me help with her assignment. My sons just played around and listened at times and ignore me at others. That's fairly typical of them.

More than anything I want this all to work out perfectly for all of us. Not just me. Not just the kids. Not just Hubby. I want us to all be happy and to thrive. I wish I had the answers, it sure would be a lot easier. The best I can do is keep moving forward, being honest and open with everyone. That would include talking to the kids about a potential divorce but I'm not ready to tackle that one just yet. Baby steps.

All in all I feel very positive about the steps I took today. I appreciate those of you who knew and gave me support. I couldn't do it without each of you!!


Jessica said...

These are very hard conversations you're having lately. Where is this strength coming from?! Once again, happy for you. You amaze me.

Miguel said...

I applaud that you're being open with your kids. Don't sugar coat the answers, they hate that and I think they'd much rather know what's ahead and how everyone will deal with stuff than trying to protect them. My kids were worried about being bullied but they are the ones who end up yelling at other kids who use the term 'gay' for non-sense stuff. Also cut them enough slack but don't overcompensate for having to deal with this, life is and will get way harder for them as adults, when they look back at this it will be but a blip in their radars. Great job and glad your experience with your parents was positive too! I've done all of that but over the phone, I'll likely see my folks this summer and then most of the uncomfortable conversations will be had face to, fun!! :-)

Nikki said...

You are really doing great and you should be very proud of yourself!!! I think the main thing to keep in mind here is that no kid, heck, no ONE likes change and this is a change. You can't expect a kid to know that something this important is for the best, they just know that it is different and the thought of different sometimes sucks. Keep doing what you know is right in your heart and things will work out.

jen said...

WOW! Go you! I love what you shared with your daughter. I'm thinking about you and your feelings, and I don't want to hide anymore. I think that is a great gift to give to a 16 year old!

FindingMyWay said...

@Jess - That is a very good question! On most days I feel very weak and unable to take on such things... so on those days where I feel particularly strong I try to take advantage. Maybe those days are coming more often now? I don't know. I hope that's true. It feels good to use strength rather than give in to the weakness all the time. And oh yeah - You amaze me as well! :)

@Miguel - Thanks my friend! I'm sure it's true that the kids will handle all of this in a great way. I wish I could trust that completely so that I could make some changes sooner rather than later. Good luck this summer with your parents - the hard part is already over!!

@Nikki - Following my heart has gotten me great things so far. I'll keep trying to remember the difficulty of change. I hate it so I'm sure the kids do as well... but once it happens the fear is gone! One day at a time.