Kendall Wilcox is extraordinary! I've had the pleasure of meeting him on several occasions. His crew filmed his interview with my husband and I back in December, for his documentary called "Far Between." His website is finally up and running and he has several of the 100+ videos posted. Ours isn't on there yet, but that's good! I'm not quite ready to have the word spread until I talk to my boys and close family members about our entire situation.
I can't imagine there is a MoHo out there who hasn't already seen the It Gets Better video that Wilcox compiled of BYU students. But just in case, check it out - it's incredible!
I have a question for everyone and I beg you to give me your answers. It's an answer I haven't been able to find for myself and these videos have really made me think. I am in awe of how similar the stories are throughout the LDS/gay community, or at there are at least a few themes I've noticed. 1) there has generally been a lot of depression and even suicide ideation/attempts at some point in the gay Mormon's life. 2) The depression has lifted as they recognized their homosexuality. 3) Everyone talks of how they dedicated themselves completely to the gospel, to living righteous and Christ-centered lives, and having done everything imaginable in order to have this "thing" removed from them. Or at least to have the pull lessened. Most people report that this never happened, even though they did everything they could think of.
That brings me to my question. We are asked to "endure to the end." People on this video appear to range from age 20 or so to at least 50? Some have known of their homosexuality for a lifetime, some a few years. It seems as though there is a wide range for how long people have "done everything they can" to rid themselves of the burden homosexuality often brings. Some a year or two, others 20+ years, and I'm sure their actions are quite varied. I have been hearing a friend's question echo in my mind... "How can you say that you've endured to the end? There is no end. Enduring isn't something you finish... you have to keep doing it. It's not an event, it's a process." So my question is to each of you, how can we each say that we've done everything we can possibly to, for as long as we can possibly do it, even though the majority of the members of the church would say we should never stop? If we've stopped, we haven't "endured to the end," correct?
I don't know the answer to this but it's been on my mind. All I know is that I came to a place a while ago when I realized I was done. Whether the church wanted me to or not, I couldn't continue forward with trying to prove myself. I know that for me, I am confident that I'm doing what I can do and I have done enough in regards to enduring this part of myself. I no longer believe that I should have to endure any part of myself. I should accept and love myself and until I do, I imagine no one else will be able to. I love where I am in regards to the MoHo community. I'm at peace with how long I tried, what I gave, and how I currently feel. This doesn't mean I threw away all of my morals and said to hell with it all. In fact, other than going to church each week, I am basically the same person. I don't break the Sabbath, I keep the Word of Wisdom (except for that pesky early to bed, early to rise thing!), I love, I serve, and we make sure our family continues to enjoy all the important values we've always had. I didn't throw it all away. I have no desire to do that. I don't know what "enduring to the end" looks like, but it seems as though it's an individual journey. I am okay with myself and I believe God is okay with me. That's all I know.
Please share any thoughts you may have. No judgment, I promise! Just complete curiosity.