Thursday, January 15, 2015

Loss and Vulnerability

I was blessed with three grandmas, three grandpas, and one great-grandma until I was roughly ten years old. They didn't start dying until I was 19 years old or so. The grandma that I've been closest to, the one I grew up around, will be 98 this May. She the last one left.

Even though my grandma has been in bed for five years or so, she was still able to communicate and most of the time she even knew who we were. My grandpa took such great care of her even though it took so much out of him. He passed away 1-2 years ago and she's been in a home ever since. She lives a few hours away, but I try to get there to see her at least every few months.

My brothers and an aunt both saw my grandma this week, separately. They each reported to my mom the same thing: grandma has experienced a drastic change in a very short period of time. My mom went to see her today for a final goodbye and she said it won't be long. I had planned to make a trip there next weekend with my boys, but it seems like I need to go right away.

My mom is in her 70s. I'm in my 40s. Does death ever get easier? Will we ever stop feeling like a little girl when it comes to our moms or grandmas dying?

I'm feeling particularly vulnerable right now. Why is it that a person can be so strong for so long and within a moment you can be brought to your knees and feel like you haven't made progress at all? Suddenly I'm struggling incredibly with abandonment and I'm sure it's because of this loss I'm about to experience... but why should that have anything to do with relationship abandonment? It makes me doubt that there was ever progress made in that area. Loss is never fun. I have a really hard time with it - even perceived loss. I'm back-sliding and it scares me. When I'm feeling vulnerable like this I get afraid that I'll make choices that I might regret.

For now, I will do everything I can to get to my grandma as soon as possible. I know it'll be best for her to be able to pass, but selfishly I don't want her to go.

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