Decisions, Decisons...

For those of you who were paying attention, I had made a post about My Amazing Husband and then removed it fairly soon. After sharing it with a friend/mentor, she asked me to read through it again and to try to "hear" myself. I read through it again and again, and it all made perfect sense to me. But knowing that there was something "wrong" with what I had written, I pulled it. She and I talked at length last night and through the process my eyes were opened to the very selfish and inconsiderate things I had asked of my husband. How embarrassing! However, this is MY process. I'm pretty sure there's no "right and wrong" way of doing it. It is what it is. It is because of that that I have again included my post about My Amazing Husband. This is MY process and although I have regrets, I will not be ashamed of this journey. Now let me share with you what I have learned in such a short time.

I fell for a woman, fast and hard. And she for me. In all the excitement I lost sight of some very important aspects of my life. Number one, my husband's kindness, generosity and ability to put ME first ALWAYS. Number two, my children who do NOT deserve this type of existence. Number three, my new friend and her vulnerability. And finally, myself and my needs. I was absolutely honest with all parties, assuming that would give a certain amount of protection for everyone involved. It didn't. It created sadness and confusion for everyone. Although my husband had granted me "permission" to follow my heart and my gay desires, and to flirt with this new friend, it was NOT fair to anyone. I see now exactly how selfish I have been. It has been pointed out to me by my mentor and my new friend that my husband will most likely always do exactly what I want in an effort to keep me around. I don't always want to be the person who takes advantage of such a wonderful man's kindness and dedication to me.

I have made the difficult decision to break all ties with my new friend. I will be having a deep conversation with my dear husband tonight, sharing with him my regrets and my love for him. He truly is my best friend. But after all of this I am left to wonder what our future will be. I know there needs to be change for all of us. I have never wanted to let him go, but again, is that my selfishness? If I were to truly put him first, would I hold on or would I agree to let him go so that he can find the happiness he so deserves? I love him. I've been with him for almost 20 years. We share a deep and abiding love for each other, although neither of us are able to experience the pure love and joy that comes from being "in love" with someone. I'm afraid to make any choices regarding our marriage. I don't want to divorce him, but is it best?

My mentor also shared with me the reality that my children are not learning how to be happy. They have two wonderful parents who are happy, but not happy enough. Do I want my children to settle in the future? Do I want them to learn that it's okay to give up what is so natural and so entirely right for their lives, as well as what will create the utmost happiness for their lives, just to make other people around them happy? I struggle with this because I have always thought I was doing a service for my family by sacrificing so much for them. How can that be a bad thing? I had made the choice to try to ignore my same sex attraction so that my husband and children and all extended members of our family would be happy. Is that right for me? If that was the only question then I would just stuff my feelings and allow everyone else to be happy. But I am NOT teaching them how to be strong, determined people who deserve happiness. Do I want my children to settle? Not for a second! I want them to go out and demand happiness for themselves. I want them to be secure and confident and ready to take on the world. I want them to find love, in anyway it manifests itself. I want them to experience everything I've always denied myself...but how am I teaching them to do that? I'm not. I'm teaching them to put everyone else first and to take what may/may not be left over.

Yes, My Husband is Amazing. I will not take back those words because it remains true. If we continue in this way I feel that he will eventually give all that he has to give and will be left with nothing but resentment for me. Do I want his hatred? Or do I want to live the rest of our lives being the best friends that we are? He may always give whatever I ask. He always has, so there is no reason for me to believe that it will change in the future. It comes down to the fact that he cares more about MY happiness than his own. It is also apparent that he cares more about my happiness than I care for HIS. I don't want that to be true, but what else could this be? I want to be more considerate of his feelings. He deserves so much more than I have given in the past. The important thing I am realizing is that he deserves much more than I will ever be able to give him in the future. Where does this leave us?

I'm afraid of the answer to that question. But I'm getting closer to being able to face our reality.