At least that's how it feels.
I asked Hubby last night if he had given any more thought to our discussion about divorce. Only I couldn't say "divorce" so I said "our situation." He said, "You mean the big D word?" Neither one of us can even bring ourselves to say the word. But this isn't the biggest problem. He had given it a little more thought and shared with me his feelings.
Hubby told me that he's worried I am in no position to be single. He mentioned the fact that I don't have an education, nor do I have a job. He wasn't being insensitive, in fact he was very concerned. He said that I should be more self sufficient if I'm planning to one day be completely authentic. Especially if I decide to find someone to share my life with.
How absurd is it that I hadn't considered the fact that I'd need to have my own money? My own education? My own life?! I honestly pictured the two of us getting divorced on paper and simply changing our sleeping arrangements. Nothing more. Nothing less. I truly believed we would experience everything in the very same way, only our hearts would both be free.
I'm no gold digger. Honestly people. I think this has more to do with the fact that I don't want change in my life. It's definitely still a case of wanting my cake and eating it too. I have that disorder and once again it's rearing its ugly head. Bleh. I want to experience every single thing the exact same way, only I want to be free to be gay and to love. I'm unable to let go of the picture in my mind of having it ALL. I don't want to get rid of Hubby. I may want to be untied from him, but that's all. I want him here. I want him to still take care of me because that's what I'm used to. Plus I really like him. I don't like the thought of being independent. It scares the hell out of me, I won't lie.
If you hadn't already figured it out, I have terrible self-confidence issues. Not only is there a lack of funds for a college education, there is the fact that I don't feel "smart enough" to head back to school. Why pay for a class (that I can't afford) if I'm going to fail said class? Then there's the feeling that no one will want to hire me. I have no real skills. The idea of moving forward in this way has me paralyzed with fear, mainly because I doubt my abilities.
I am actually trying to decide which would be worse... 1) trying to find a job and possibly going back to school, or 2) remaining married and unable to progress in my authenticity. That expresses exactly how frightened I am. It probably doesn't make any sense, but the fear is real. Again I find myself at a crossroads. What will I choose? Do I remain commited to one day being openly gay and proud of myself, while possibly sharing my love with another woman? Do I remain in a convenient marriage because I'm scared of being independent, while denying Hubby and I potential happiness? There are voices screaming the obvious choice to make, but the fear is stifling the voices.
This, once again, shouts SELFISH!!! Man do I ever hate that label!! But I find it more and more along this journey. It's sickening.
I just want to be happy.
And our kids.
Is that too much to ask?