Sunday, January 9, 2011

A Few Steps Forward, Many Steps Back

At least that's how it feels.

I asked Hubby last night if he had given any more thought to our discussion about divorce. Only I couldn't say "divorce" so I said "our situation." He said, "You mean the big D word?" Neither one of us can even bring ourselves to say the word. But this isn't the biggest problem. He had given it a little more thought and shared with me his feelings.

Hubby told me that he's worried I am in no position to be single. He mentioned the fact that I don't have an education, nor do I have a job. He wasn't being insensitive, in fact he was very concerned. He said that I should be more self sufficient if I'm planning to one day be completely authentic. Especially if I decide to find someone to share my life with.

How absurd is it that I hadn't considered the fact that I'd need to have my own money? My own education? My own life?! I honestly pictured the two of us getting divorced on paper and simply changing our sleeping arrangements. Nothing more. Nothing less. I truly believed we would experience everything in the very same way, only our hearts would both be free.

I have no desire to work outside the home. I've been a stay at home mom for 17+ years. I don't want to change the way everything is done around here. I want to live in the comfort of my home, enjoy everything I've always enjoyed, remaining immediately available for my children. I hate change. I'm sure no one loves it, but WOW do I hate it!! How selfish is it that I simply assumed I would remain in this house, with these kids, with my ex, not providing for anyone other than emotionally and spiritually, while accepting all of the money my ex brings home? But that's precisely what I had envisioned.

I'm no gold digger. Honestly people. I think this has more to do with the fact that I don't want change in my life. It's definitely still a case of wanting my cake and eating it too. I have that disorder and once again it's rearing its ugly head. Bleh. I want to experience every single thing the exact same way, only I want to be free to be gay and to love. I'm unable to let go of the picture in my mind of having it ALL. I don't want to get rid of Hubby. I may want to be untied from him, but that's all. I want him here. I want him to still take care of me because that's what I'm used to. Plus I really like him. I don't like the thought of being independent. It scares the hell out of me, I won't lie.

If you hadn't already figured it out, I have terrible self-confidence issues. Not only is there a lack of funds for a college education, there is the fact that I don't feel "smart enough" to head back to school. Why pay for a class (that I can't afford) if I'm going to fail said class? Then there's the feeling that no one will want to hire me. I have no real skills. The idea of moving forward in this way has me paralyzed with fear, mainly because I doubt my abilities.

I am actually trying to decide which would be worse... 1) trying to find a job and possibly going back to school, or 2) remaining married and unable to progress in my authenticity. That expresses exactly how frightened I am. It probably doesn't make any sense, but the fear is real. Again I find myself at a crossroads. What will I choose? Do I remain commited to one day being openly gay and proud of myself, while possibly sharing my love with another woman? Do I remain in a convenient marriage because I'm scared of being independent, while denying Hubby and I potential happiness? There are voices screaming the obvious choice to make, but the fear is stifling the voices.

This, once again, shouts SELFISH!!! Man do I ever hate that label!! But I find it more and more along this journey. It's sickening.

I just want to be happy.

And Hubby.

And our kids.

Is that too much to ask?


Anonymous said...

I know it sounds lame but I absolutely know how you feel. While I was reading your post I could hear my own similar fears echoing in the back of my mind. Only a few months ago I almost left my husband for the same reason you are wanting to leave yours. I never got to explore my homosexuality, and I feel regret for that. When I would see myself being a single mom, and completely independent I was scared out of my mind. I ended up staying with my husband because I love him just way too much. I hope you are able to figure out what you really want in this life. It's a hard decision but only you can be the one to make it. I appreciate your blog, it's really wonderful. And I appreciate all of the lovely comments you leave on my blog. Good luck to you. I wish you well.

FindingMyWay said...

Thanks Mimi! I enjoy your wonderful blog as well. It's alway refreshing to find someone who can relate to such personal issues. Unlike you, I have explored my homosexuality. I KNOW what's available to me and I miss it so much! That feeling of being "home" with someone is unlike anything else I've experienced. I love Hubby so much and don't want to lose him, or the person he has always been to me. I don't know how this is going to play out... and that has me scared to death. But I guess I've already voiced all of that in my posts. Anyway, thanks again for the support. And I wish you continued peace in your journey!

Clive Durham said...

And as a gay man, I thought the decision for me to come out and leave my wife was hard. I wouldn't trade places with you for anything. You're in my prayers, my friend.

FindingMyWay said...

Thanks for your understanding, Clive...also for your prayers. This is a tough situation and I'm glad to say I've never done it before. But that means I have no idea what I'm doing. I'll try to keep moving forward but I won't pretend to know what the end result will look like. I appreciate your support.

jen said...

I know its scary, and hard, and SCARY... I also know that authenticity is worth it. Showing yourself that you don't NEED your husband to take care of you. Showing yourself that you are smart, strong, capable... all of those things are worth it.

(I'm not saying that divorce and going out on your own is the best thing for you... I'm saying if it IS the best thing for you, it will be worth it.)

My journey was similar... I have filed for divorce, just waiting for it to go through... I feel lucky in many ways that we never had kids, I have always been very independent (to a fault, I've been told.) so I didn't have to deal with these same struggles... Still, it was hard to let him go. It was hard for me to let go of all of the things I thought I should have - not that I wanted - just that I thought I should want.

Anyways... sorry this is long... I mostly just wanted you to know that you're not alone, I think you're strong, and I believe you'll do what's best for you in your own time.

thoughts and prayers are with you.

FindingMyWay said...

Jen, thank you so much! It's such a scary road that I'm trying to head down but I think it's the right one. I'm going to spend some time on the internet today, researching colleges and trying to figure out "what I want to be when I grow up." Hubby is here by my side, helping me along this step. We've actually had more discussion and I feel better about things today.

Thank you so much for your story and your encouragement. It means so much!!


Nicole said...

You know what you want and you know what you need, now go out and get it! You are smart and you CAN do it, it is just that different is scary, and scary is scary!

It may sound strange, but all of those things that you "thought" would happen, or rather "wouldn't" happen may seem comfortable to you now but in time you won't want any of them.

FindingMyWay said...

I'm trying Nicole, I'm trying. Scary is definitely scary, we can agree on that!!

I'm not sure I understand what you mean in the second paragraph. What things are you referring to?

Hub said...

I wasn't saying that I won't be there the entire way. No matter what happens, I will always be there to help.

How I meant it, was that I wanted you to have more of a feeling of independence, in case at some point in the future your journey takes you down a path where you find someone that you want to be with.

FindingMyWay said...


I'm glad we talked a little more about things because I feel better. I think we understand each other now. I know you'll continue to be here for me. I also know that we both agree that I need to have my feet under me a little better before I can make any further progression. This should be an interesting ride!! Thanks for helping me along the way.