Thursday, January 6, 2011

Last Journal Entry - 2008

You know, this one was interesting. I had written several experiences from my childhood, trying to gain some sort of understanding for my being gay. I was searching for the "reason," believing that something must have "made" me that way. I was right! God made me this way. I was born gay. Cool. I like being able to look back on years and years worth of obvious behaviors that should have told my story, and knowing that my eyes were tightly closed to it. Very interesting indeed.

June 4, 2008
Some Early Experiences:
I remember when I was really little, maybe 3-4, watching my brother make out with his girlfriends. I remember loving one of his girlfriends in particular. She went swimming with us and I always wanted to be near her. She made me feel good.

I used to play house with my cousin. She and I would kiss on the lips, one of us pretending to be the husband and one the wife. I don't remember which one I was. Doesn't matter, I was kissing a girl! I used to take baths with her as well.

My best friend developed faster than me. She had breasts as early as 4th grade. She had me feel them on her naked body, to feel the lump inside. I enjoyed that a lot. She and I also used to pretend to be married and we'd get on top of each other in bed. We didn't know what else to do, but we'd kiss each other on the lips. She made me feel pretty and I loved exploring with her.

My next best friend was a bad example all around. Not only did she teach me to swear and steal, she also became very sexual at a very young age. She and I used to bathe together all the time, even until we were 10 or so. We used to pretend to baptize each other in the tub. Weird. As we grew a bit older she had me take pictures of her naked body, even close ups of her privates. She was very open with her body and did gross things in front of me all the time. She and I never kissed as far as I remember, but things were talked about, naked baths were taken together, pictures were snapped, etc.

There were a TON of women that I longed to be around as I was growing up. The emotions that I would feel when I was around them was addictive. It was as though I couldn't get enough of them. I would pretend to want to be around them because of their son/daughter, but they were the ones I actually loved. They would play with my hair, rub my back, give me hugs and talk about hard things with me. I envisioned myself in their arms plenty of times and never quite knew what to make of it.

My sister had a few friends that I wanted to be with. She had some friends that were gay and I always seemed more curious than the regular person. I never liked any of them romantically, but I was certainly intrigued.

I was abused as a very young child and then again by a brother when I was 8 years old. I have always had a weird view of sex and men and boys. I've had somewhat of a hatred for them since I can remember. I don't feel safe with men. I have always felt as though ALL of them were or would be predators. Whether this is true or not, it has led me even farther away from men in general.

As long as I can remember I've had a deep love for women. It goes beyond nurturing and kindness. I have fallen in love a few times and have been heart broken. I feel safe around women and when I'm in their arms I feel whole. I can be myself with them; I can share the love I've been desperately wanting to give. I feel amazing when I'm with a woman... like I'm beautiful, loved, cared for, admired. I feel soft and sensual. I feel normal and happy. Being with a woman is very natural for me, although it goes against my beliefs which are based on teachings from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. It's taking a very long time to reconcile myself with all of it but there are a few things of which I'm certain:

1) I am a gay woman and I like that about myself.

2) I want to become a member of the Church again because I fully believe in its teachings.

3) I will never be fulfilled completely in my marriage to Hubby, physically that is.

4) Even though Hubby and I can't be together physically, I've recognized the deep and abiding love we have for each other... and I can be fulfilled because of that in many other ways.

Another thought I had while reading through this again, is that I always had relationship issues with girls. I would only have one friend per school year because I was too jealous and couldn't handle them showing attention to other friends. I bought them gifts constantly. I gave them greeting cards that meant so much to me. I demanded all of their time and consideration. When they could no longer oblige, I would find another friend to spend my time with. I didn't recognize this as a problem, it simply was what it was. I still struggle in my relationships although the jealousy isn't nearly as bad as it used to be.

In regards to the above four statements:

1) Yes, I absolutely do like that about myself. It only gets better with time and work.

2) I am now a member but I'm not holding on to it like I used to. I no longer go to church, with the exception of an occasional sacrament meeting with the family. I still believe in many of the teachings of the LDS Church but I have let go of many of the damaging beliefs that I was raised with. I'm considering having my name removed from the records of the Church but I haven't decided just yet. It's a huge move, in my opinion, and I'm not sure I'm ready to make that kind of statement. I wonder what I'm holding on to? Hmmmmm...

3) It's true. I will never be fulfilled. And as equally important, neither will Hubby. I'm finally starting to include both of us in our journey apart. I've been selfish for too long. I used to see only MY heartache, MY lack of love, MY needs and wants, MY future, etc. Now I am starting to see HIS hurt and HIS desires and what HE deserves. Perhaps this will help us to make some heavy-hearted decisions.

4) Absolutely, honestly, for reals!! Our love is much deeper than many couples, I'm sure. I used to equate our lack of sexual contact with our lack of love for each other. It just isn't so. The love we share is monumental. He is my best friend. You won't find a better man and I'm not just saying that. His soul and mine have connected in a grand way, as best friends and kindred spirits. We are not able to share a more intimate love, but that shouldn't diminish what we do share. Because of this love I will always have him by my side, regardless of our marital situation. We will co-parent our children. We will work together for the betterment of our family. And even if we're divorced, we will always be family. We can't share sexual intimacy, but don't you for a second believe that we're lacking in the love department! He's outstanding!!

This concludes my trip down memory lane. I'm sure there will be many more trips in the future, but for now I am saying goodbye to my past journals. Don't cry. It'll be okay. I promise to come up with something of value to at least one of you.


Nicole said...

Thanks for sharing FMW. It sounds like you are moving somewhat smoothly along your journey and thinking of the people around you while still being true to yourself is definite progress. Good for you.

BTW I think you are amazing for taking the high road on other, more recent personal issues. You go girl!!!

FindingMyWay said...

Nicole, thank you!! I think the hardest part of all of this is trying to pull myself out of the selfish stage. I know how important it is to continue to think of the people around me... now I just need to make sure that happens regularly.

As far as taking the high road, well gosh... thanks again! I think if people truly knew my heart then everything would speak for itself. So I'll continue to be ME and move forward with confidence, trusting everyone to follow their "gut."

alex dumas said...

VERY interesting, these childhood experiences. Helps one understand your point of view so much better.

About this: "I will never be fulfilled completely in my marriage to Hubby, physically that is."

You know from reading my blog that I have a different belief about that. I really would like to believe that the atonement can mend that. I'm not married, I've never had relations with a guy, and I don't know what you're dealing with. But I still believe it.

FindingMyWay said...


I used to believe that the atonement would mend that part of me. And then I kept trying, and trying, and it became more and more evident that this is just the way things are going to be. Now I'm embracing it. Sometimes I do struggle with knowing if I tried hard enough or long enough. We're probably not supposed to stop trying, right? But even if I had the desire to be with my husband physically, my body won't allow it. There are so many things involved, and it's hard to explain. I just know that FOR ME, waiting for the atonement to mend things is futile.

I wish you all the best in your journey. Ours, although similar in some aspects, are completely different. My experience will not be yours. You can be grateful for that. ;) And what YOU believe for YOURSELF is exactly what will see you through all of this. Good luck!!