Tuesday, January 4, 2011

A Glimpse Into My Journal - 2008

I was reading through my ultra-secret other blog tonight. It's a blog I created a few years ago because I desperately needed somewhere to put my thoughts and feelings without being judged by anyone. I haven't written in it for a while, and now I have this a-little-less-secretive blog. It was very freeing being able to write that first post:

"I am a woman. I am Mormon. I am Gay. I am a Gay Mormon Woman. Wow, that feels good to say!"

See, at this point I hadn't spoken the words outside of therapy. Now I am a little more open to sharing my gay self with all of you, but there's still that element of secrecy. That's okay, I'm evolving.

I found a few things quite interesting. Here is one of the posts I created in secret.

June 3, 2008

My relationship with my Savior has to come first. I will be re-baptized in October of this year. I will have my temple blessings restored in October of 2009. I will dedicate my life to Christ and try to live the way He would have me live. I should be a woman who can deny herself temporal pleasures in order to make it back to my Heavenly Father. It's soooooo hard but it has to be. I will fight it on occasion, but that will be Satan influencing me. I've grown enough in the gospel to know what I need and what I want. My family is everything to me. Hubby is incredible and was made precisely for me. No other man could have survived all of this. He's the strongest person I know and I'm so grateful for him.

I wish my heart wasn't in agony all the time for the love I've had to push aside.

Other than my family still being everything to me and Hubby being the strongest person I know, things have changed. I was re-baptized in October of 2008. I was NOT allowed my temple blessings in October of 2009. I was saddened but continued to work toward that goal. The closer I came to realizing that goal, the more I pulled myself back. I didn't understand it at the time. Now I recognize it as my desire to become my whole self; the woman God created in this very form. I'm no longer able to play both roles. As hard as I tried, I couldn't swallow the fact that my Church, they who were "my people," had no place for me in their organization. Sure, I was told there was a place for me IF I remained celibate and ignored a very integral part of my core. That was enough for years but suddenly it no longer was. I didn't want to live "enough" of life. I certainly didn't want to feel "enough" love. I wanted to experience it fully, and authentically.

I can still dedicate my life and heart to my Savior, Jesus Christ. I used to think that homosexuality and a Christ-centered life could not coexist. How absolutely absurd! In fact, might I suggest that I exude a more Christlike love because of my homosexuality. I am learning tolerance and empathy, gentleness and acceptance, kindness and love. It's not exactly easy being gay. I know that and I haven't even come out yet!! Well, there are those handful of people, but I digress. "It's soooooo hard, but it has to be." I don't agree with this statement any longer. I don't believe God demands that I have an extremely difficult time with my same sex attraction. It may not be simple, but hard things are worth it and I'm so glad I'm gay.

I no longer see my homosexual thoughts and feelings as a temptation from Satan. I see them as a natural part of who I am. I see them as a wonderful gift that I've been given in order to possibly share my whole self with a woman in the future. I no longer believe that I "should be a woman who can deny herself temporal pleasures in order to make it back to my Heavenly Father." Of course there are things we should deny ourselves, when they are harmful to ourselves or others ... there have to be rules ... but this type of pleasure isn't damaging. I believe my Father in Heaven actually WANTS me to experience love in its grandest form. The capacity of my heart is immense and it's meant to be filled to the brim with all the love I can both give and receive. I'm turning my feelings of guilt and shame into a realization that I'm okay the way I am. I was created this way by the same God who will welcome me into His open arms EVEN IF I have a wife in the future. Loving is not a sin.

I am grateful for waking up to these truths. I love the Church and so many of the teachings. I only have a problem with the Church's stance on homosexuality. The Church is full of goodness. I enjoy what I've taken from them, in regards to raising my family and having strong morals and convictions. I love learning of Jesus Christ, my Savior and how He handled His relationships with people. I will take everything positive and continue to create a safe place for myself and my family, but I will no longer allow the Church to shame me for being a lesbian. I'm quite all right as my gay self. One day I will be fully out and proud, but for now I'm taking baby steps. These steps have been the most difficult, I'd say because of the teachings I was raised with. There is a tight grasp on me because of what was drilled into my head and heart for 38 years. It'll take a bit to break those ties that bind. However, I've made some significant progress and I intend to move forward.

I'm glad I've kept up my journaling over the years so that I can look back on my thoughts and feelings. It's very important for me to see how I've progressed along this journey. I'll be sharing another journal entry or two in the next little while. It's so interesting to me to see the changes in myself.

1 comment:

Nicole said...

Good for you my friend. I told you that you should leave everything in so you can see your progress and how you evolve! Good for you for realizing that God is love and ALL love is good as well. It always amazed me that people were so quick to follow rules that were man-made in religions even when those rules were far removed from any account of God and/or Jesus. The one theme that is consistent in regard to a higher power is love, and it seems many have forgotten that.
Good for you for getting back to the true meaning of goodness and Godliness.