Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Another Journal Entry - 2008

This was so much fun the last time that I thought we'd do it again.

A tiny bit of a background. In June 2007 I began a same sex affair. I'm married with three children. She was married with four children, although there are now five. That's a horrible story for another time. She and I fell in love. On September 15, 2007, just three short but glorious months later, our affair came to an abrupt end because of her visit with our bishop (per his request). Yes, we are in the same ward. Still. We live just one street away from each other in the same block. Ah hell, that sucks!! Moving on... (if only truly moving on)... one terrible year later I made this journal entry:

September 15, 2008

How is it that I felt fulfilled with her? How is it that I could feel so happy and content with her in my life, in that way, when the rules suggest I shouldn't? It felt so natural to be with her. It felt right in all other ways. She was a part of me. I will say that she was indeed the person who completed me in the way I've always longed for. I loved her. I still love her. I'm trying to keep the parts of us that loved together in a safe place. It's hard, since it created such sadness and despair for so many people. Because of our relationship I have to endure another heartbreak, which is being excommunicated. I want to remember the goodness. The love. The beauty. But how do I do that while remaining true to my beliefs? I'm two separate beings, inside this one body. I need to be true to myself and recognize the love I was able to experience at such a great volume, while being true to my commitment to follow the Lord, Jesus Christ.

I was able to feel fulfilled because I was that much more close to becoming my whole self. I was with a woman, not a girl in my adolescence and certainly not a boy/man. I was relatively mature and had had many life experiences at this point. My heart had been opened and filled to the brim. There were obstacles for sure, and because of that we also experienced great pain. Not only that, but we created great pain for our family members. I have many regrets today because of that, but I do not regret the love I shared with my ex girlfriend.

That reminds me! I sat in my disciplinary council with Hubby by my side, and told the bishopric that very thing. "I do not regret my relationship with her. I regret hurting people, but I would do it again." (Not meaning that I was intending to find another girlfriend to begin again... but that given what I knew I wouldn't change the course of my relationship with her if I had been given the opportunity). My bishopric viewed that, coupled with my past patterns of same sex behaviors, as a sign. I was surely excommunicated that night, which brought a fair amount of heartbreak as well. At that point in time I was certain my heart would not survive another loss.

I find it interesting that at the time I wrote that journal entry, I had spoken of my two separate identities but didn't recognize it until these past few months. I see that I wrote of my desire to be true to my gay self and to my Christ-centered self. I didn't see how it was a possibility back then. I think the important thing to realize is that I was referring to being true to the Church, which is separate from being committed to follow the Lord. The majority of the members of the LDS Church are committed to following the Lord. But following the Lord is not specific to the Church. It's not unique to Mormons. This is one of the many things I'm able to see differently these days. I can, and plan to, be a gay woman who follows the Lord. Imagine that!! This is one of many things I've had to re-learn for my life. I am so glad that my eyes have been opened more fully.

There was one other journal entry that I want to share. Until then, my friends...


Miguel said...

Wow, just wow. I'm sure those words were hard to write and read again. I find it fascinating (and almost scary) when I go back and read words written a long time ago and realize what a different person I am now. Thanks for sharing!

Nicole said...

I think you and Miguel should both give yourselves a hand for continuing the journey and evolving into the people you are today. Here's to evolution and education!!

FindingMyWay said...

Hey Miguel. Yes, it was very scary, but I find great value in being able to see the I guess it's always worth it.

Nicole - You keep telling me to move forward with the momentum. It's scary but I do believe you're right.

alex dumas said...

"I'm trying to keep the parts of us that loved together in a safe place."

This is a fascinating idea, and yet one that I subconsciously practice. I want to keep those memories separate from the now of things, because they have changed so much and I don't completely embrace the changes.