Sunday, January 2, 2011

The Many Pieces of My Heart

I've been thinking a lot this week about my heart. It's been shared many times throughout my 38 years. It's been broken a few times. One time that left me crippled. I'm still suffering through that loss. I doubt it will ever completely go away.

Is my heart meant to be spread out over the miles and the hearts of several people? Or is it meant to be given in its whole state? Of course I have pieces dedicated for just my children. And my husband has a big chunk all to himself. But what about that fulfilling kind of love that requires my entire heart? I've never been able to experience that.

I haven't given my husband my complete heart, and after many years together I realized that it's because I'm gay. That makes sense. I gave my lesbian heart, my more authentic heart, to my ex-girlfriend in 2007. She probably had more of my heart than I've ever given, but even she didn't have it all because I'm married. She's married. We had too many other obligations that interfered. I've given bits and pieces of my heart to just a couple of other people and while it feels great, it's not what I'm looking for. And it's not what other people are wishing for from me. It's not what any of us deserve.

I want to be able to give it in its entirety, while keeping those special parts for my family. I want to experience love in the grandest form. I want my heart to leap from my chest and to capture the very essence of the woman I love. I want that fire. That commitment. That excitement. That security. That comfort. That feeling of HOME.

Sometimes I don't feel my heart will continue to beat long enough to find what I so desire.

But it will. When it's right, it will happen. That's worth waiting for.


Nicole said...

I have always thought of my heart getting bigger the more I share it and love. I don't believe that we have limited parts of our hearts and need to split it into pieces in order to love, and watch it get smaller and smaller and smaller. I feel that the more we share it, the larger it gets and therefore the more we have to share.

I'm just sayin

FindingMyWay said...

Very VERY mentorish. Thanks.

That makes sense, that it would grow. So maybe I'm referring to those parts of my heart that haven't been touched quite yet?! I don't know. Just that feeling of wholeness... I'm sure you know what I mean, don't you? You're pretty educated and experienced in that way. :)