Yeah, I don't really know what it is.
Hubby and I were talking yesterday, trying to figure out what our future is going to look like. I expressed my worries over schooling and working. He expressed his desire to be by my side and to help make the transition easier. We came to a much better understanding. He only wanted me to go to school and establish a name for myself in the job market so that I could be ready when the situation presented itself for me to start dating. That made me think.
What is my goal in this entire gay/married/family/Mormon thing? The one thing I keep coming back to is that I want to be my whole self. I want to be able to be authentically gay and live as though it doesn't matter. To hopefully come out to the masses, including judgmental family and friends. I want to still enjoy my family. I want to possibly divorce and be free from that institution, while remaining just as close to Hubby as I am now. But a girlfriend? I don't necessarily see that in my future. Hubby was convinced that that's why I wanted to make some changes, but I realized yesterday that a possible future with another woman hasn't really been on my radar. I don't know if I even have a desire for that.
What does that mean? I'm so confused.
Hubby thought this entire time that I wanted to be free to explore my lesbian self. Maybe. Maybe not. All I know is that my end goal hasn't looked like that in my eyes. So what am I doing all of this for? If I'm not looking for a relationship then why don't I just stay married?
Then I thought, hey, maybe I can still be my whole self even if I'm not looking for a partner. My mentor does it, although I think she's one day looking forward to having another partner when she doesn't have other obligations that prevent it. It just seems like it would make more sense if what I had in mind was being free to date and find love. But at this point in time I have no possible idea what I want, let alone what I expect, and the last thing I'm thinking about is finding the right woman. If I was at least looking for that, it would make more sense. I think this is why, at times, I'm left completely confused as to why in the hell I'm making changes and creating confused family members. I'm certainly found dragging my feet at times, and it's probably because I have no idea what I'm working for.
What do I want?
I can easily see myself staying in a marriage of convenience for the rest of my life. I do see that being a somewhat sad and unfulfilled situation, however. So why do I bother going through all of these steps? What I do know is that I am uncomfortable in my current state. There is something lacking. If there's more happiness and love, I want it. I think there is. But again, I'm not on a mission to find love. Happiness, yes. I guess there is happiness even without love, right? So as long as I continue to move forward, making all of these changes to my family and marriage, things will end up okay, yes?
Maybe the end goal isn't important to recognize right now. I don't know. I'm tired of living two lives. I'm fed up with being secretive and hiding a major part of myself. I look forward to not having to create multiple Facebook, blog and email accounts, in order to preserve my anonymity. I want to combine my two selves into one extremely okay-with-herself type of woman. I want to be proud of myself. I want to be confident and move forward with the knowledge that as long as I'm good with me it just doesn't matter what others may feel. Maybe coming out is the end goal. And maybe coming out will bring other things along with it and I don't have to know what that is right now. But is that enough for me to proceed?
Again I'm left with the desire to have all of the answers laid out before me. What's wrong with that? Other than the fact that it's an impossibility??
I feel wishy-washy today. And that's not a good feeling.