Wednesday, January 12, 2011

My End Goal

Yeah, I don't really know what it is.

Hubby and I were talking yesterday, trying to figure out what our future is going to look like. I expressed my worries over schooling and working. He expressed his desire to be by my side and to help make the transition easier. We came to a much better understanding. He only wanted me to go to school and establish a name for myself in the job market so that I could be ready when the situation presented itself for me to start dating. That made me think.

What is my goal in this entire gay/married/family/Mormon thing? The one thing I keep coming back to is that I want to be my whole self. I want to be able to be authentically gay and live as though it doesn't matter. To hopefully come out to the masses, including judgmental family and friends. I want to still enjoy my family. I want to possibly divorce and be free from that institution, while remaining just as close to Hubby as I am now. But a girlfriend? I don't necessarily see that in my future. Hubby was convinced that that's why I wanted to make some changes, but I realized yesterday that a possible future with another woman hasn't really been on my radar. I don't know if I even have a desire for that.

What does that mean? I'm so confused.

Hubby thought this entire time that I wanted to be free to explore my lesbian self. Maybe. Maybe not. All I know is that my end goal hasn't looked like that in my eyes. So what am I doing all of this for? If I'm not looking for a relationship then why don't I just stay married?

Then I thought, hey, maybe I can still be my whole self even if I'm not looking for a partner. My mentor does it, although I think she's one day looking forward to having another partner when she doesn't have other obligations that prevent it. It just seems like it would make more sense if what I had in mind was being free to date and find love. But at this point in time I have no possible idea what I want, let alone what I expect, and the last thing I'm thinking about is finding the right woman. If I was at least looking for that, it would make more sense. I think this is why, at times, I'm left completely confused as to why in the hell I'm making changes and creating confused family members. I'm certainly found dragging my feet at times, and it's probably because I have no idea what I'm working for.

What do I want?

I can easily see myself staying in a marriage of convenience for the rest of my life. I do see that being a somewhat sad and unfulfilled situation, however. So why do I bother going through all of these steps? What I do know is that I am uncomfortable in my current state. There is something lacking. If there's more happiness and love, I want it. I think there is. But again, I'm not on a mission to find love. Happiness, yes. I guess there is happiness even without love, right? So as long as I continue to move forward, making all of these changes to my family and marriage, things will end up okay, yes?

Maybe the end goal isn't important to recognize right now. I don't know. I'm tired of living two lives. I'm fed up with being secretive and hiding a major part of myself. I look forward to not having to create multiple Facebook, blog and email accounts, in order to preserve my anonymity. I want to combine my two selves into one extremely okay-with-herself type of woman. I want to be proud of myself. I want to be confident and move forward with the knowledge that as long as I'm good with me it just doesn't matter what others may feel. Maybe coming out is the end goal. And maybe coming out will bring other things along with it and I don't have to know what that is right now. But is that enough for me to proceed?

Again I'm left with the desire to have all of the answers laid out before me. What's wrong with that? Other than the fact that it's an impossibility??

I feel wishy-washy today. And that's not a good feeling.


Nicole said...

I would discourage you if you were doing all of this with the intent of finding a partner. What you need to do right now is exactly what you are doing, take care of yourself and figure out who you are. There can be no sharing of yourself with someone if you aren't all there in the first place. If you don't know and love and respect yourself, you can't give that to someone else, man or woman. Part of finding yourself is living as the person you seek in these paragraphs but like you said, there are no easy answers and no handbook.

Be happy with where you are right now and do what feels right. Don't worry about your motives other than the ones in front of you right now. No one should go right from one relationship to another without some personal healing in the middle. Stay focused on you and your goals will lay themselves out in front of you as they develop. Don't rush things!!!

FindingMyWay said...

Oh Nik, why didn't I just give you a call instead of writing this post? That completely makes sense. I've been stressing out so much. But you're right, it wouldn't be the same if I was doing all of this for some dream of a woman. Yes, I should continue to move forward and let everything unfold. I'll continue with the baby steps because that's what feels best. Well, bigger baby steps, but still kind of small. ; )

Jonathan Adamson said...

First of all... can I just say what an amazing husband you have. Amazing. Second, I kind of know how you are feeling. I just ended my first relationship with another guy... but I didn't know exactly what I needed to find. It wasn't that I felt this need to get out there and start dating around... I just felt like I needed to be alone to gather myself. To think through things without clouded judgment and really consider what I want in life. I started that relationship right after I came out to my family and after just going through the process of coming to terms with it myself.

I think it is wise not to jump into a relationship when you are barely just discovering yourself. I think a lot of gay people do this when they come out and it leads to unhealthy relationships. So many of us (gay individuals) are carrying around all this baggage that we haven't fully dealt with. Faith, family, feelings, etc. If we don't pause and take a moment to look through the bags we are hauling around to get rid of what we don't need, we end up bringing all of that into a relationship with us.

To be honest, I feel like it is really hard to find someone as a gay Mormon. First of all, they are a minority. Second of all, so many of us have so many unresolved issues that complicate everything. Anyway, what do I know? Just thought I'd add my two cents.

FindingMyWay said...

Thanks Johnathan! Yes, Hubby is quite amazing. I wish I were the perfect wife because he's certainly deserving of just that. I can't say enough good about him. I know he was sent to me straight from our Father in Heaven. I regret that I can't be for him what he's so willing to be for me.

It's hard to not be eager, but I am also scared to death to move forward. I would like it all figured out and settled... but then I'm not sure what I'd do with myself. So going slow and making sure it's done the right way is important. And I'm glad that I'm not wanting to rush right into a relationship. I think you've made a lot of great points.

Thanks for the encouragement and support!

FindingMyWay said...

Oops! JONathan. Sorry. ; )

Hub said...

I agree with Nicole, life is a journey, not a race. Whatever the end result is, we'll find it when it is time. Until then, all we can do is to work to make sure we are ready for it.

FindingMyWay said...

You're right Hubby. It's a process, not an event. I need to stop worrying so much about where we eventually end up and just enjoy the journey for now. I have no doubt that since we're working on this together that we'll create the best situation for all involved. Thanks for your undying support!!

jen said...

I remember reading a book about marriage. (I was trying to figure out why I felt the need to get divorced when I had no desire to meet or ever marry anyone else...)

The author quoted a friend of hers. She said something like, "The wedding is a celebration that someone would pick ME over everyone else. One day where everyone knows, I was good enough for someone to pick ME."

At that moment, I realized, I wanted to like me enough to pick me. And until I could do that... having someone else pick me would do nothing for me. Seeing myself through someone else's loving eyes helps... and still, I want to see ME, and love ME enough that I like spending time with ME...

That's where I figure my journey is taking me...

FindingMyWay said...

What a beautiful concept, Jen. Of course we need to be able to love ourselves before we can extend love to others! That makes perfect sense! Thanks for sharing your thoughts.