Thursday, January 13, 2011

Spreading the Love Inappropriately

I keep giving parts of my heart to people. While most of the time that's probably okay, to spread it around and enjoy relationships... sometimes it just isn't. I have to be careful because I've noticed that by trying to become whole I am also becoming eager to share that part of myself.

What? Was it just yesterday that I said I have no idea what my end goal is? That I'm not even considering having a girlfriend down the road? And now I recognize the truth that I'm damaging parts of my heart because I'm sharing it too soon.

I have a very good friend that has been an integral part of my life in the past year. We have never met, but we've shared an incredible amount of ourselves with each other daily. She continues to shed light on what I thought were only dark situations in my life. She has brought hope and understanding. She guides me in this gay life that I'm trying to lead. Plus, she's just really enjoyable. Unfortunately I have struggled with wanting to flirt with her. She has asked me to stop on several occasions, but do I listen? Sometimes. I'll be good for a while and then something will pop up and oops, there I go again! It makes me feel bad when she doesn't reciprocate. But more importantly it makes her feel bad because she's simply not interested. Most of the time I am confident in our relationship...she's a wonderful friend that I will have throughout my life, I have no doubt. But every now and again I slip up and cause problems. What in the h.e.double-hockey-sticks is my problem? (She's simply too charming). Although that's true, I'm just too eager to experience love in a part of my heart that has been hidden for too long. I am not in love with her but I do love her. She's a very important part of my life. It's not worth screwing that up so I have to get back on track and stop the insanity that is called flirting!
Around Christmas time I found myself in a very brief, online relationship. This created much confusion because I thought I had set up great boundaries to prevent such a thing from happening. I was staying out of the gay bars. I wasn't talking with anyone in "real life." I had made the decision to remain married and celibate. And then WHAM! My world was rocked just a little. Because I had planned against such a thing, I was completely shocked that it had happened. How absurd!

I was suddenly caught up in a whirlwind romance. I shared very intimate details of my life with a complete stranger. I said things that I regret saying, even though I felt them. I tried to keep things above board because I'm a married woman... but it was excruciatingly difficult because my heart had been opened to the possibility of love. Five days after our first contact, I ended it, making the painful decision to cut all ties and remain faithful to Hubby. I don't regret that decision, although I absolutely do regret causing pain and confusion to everyone involved. Unless and until I make the necessary changes in my marriage, I am simply not free to give my heart to another.

But WOW did my heart come back to life! It was in that moment that I knew, without any question, that my future will be filled with "possibilities" and that it's not fair to explore them while married. There is no protection against meeting someone. I can meet someone online, in the grocery store, at the library, in classes, etc. even if I'm decidedly against said meeting. That is why I'm seeking these changes in my marriage, and NOT because I don't love Hubby. I don't want to damage my relationship with him. I want us to continue to be best friends and co-parents. I want to treat him with as much respect as he shows me on a daily basis.

What I have realized is that my heart is beating with a very specific purpose. It has felt love with Hubby, of course, but this kind is much different. And it's powerful beyond belief! I have to pay closer attention to what it desires because I found that it only takes a brief moment to let it carry me away. People continue to hurt because of ME and the experiments I'm allowing my heart. That's not fair to anyone.

What I do know is that I have an extraordinary amount of love to share with someone. My heart is amazing, just like yours, and I want to let it breathe and experience love the way it was created. Although it may seem like I am too willing to give parts of it away, I actually don't do it lightly. I do it with purpose. I do it with genuine desire and love.

In the meantime I am messing up a very valuable relationship that is right in front of me. The most important relationship I've had to date. Hubby deserves more than I continue to give. I'm going to work on that, along with my relationship with my dear friend. I don't want to lose two of the most important people in my life! I have to stop the insanity that is sharing my heart in inappropriate ways. I need to stop being so eager. There is a proper way to enjoy all that I have and all that I desire. There is time.


Nicole said...

FMW~ Trying not to totally contradict what I said is hard to NOT be eager. I believe we are all still that little kid at Christmas, with the favorite brand new toy. Something that AWESOME comes along and you want to play with it forever and always. What you are feeling right now is kind of like that little kid with the new toy but someone has taken the toy away and you have been left with the thought of the toy and the box. You have a huge heart and I have no doubt that you will find the right person to share it with but right now you have to take your time and maybe even guard that heart a little at least until you figure out some of the details. There will be plenty of time to share your heart in the way you want, with the person who deserves it, just be cautious with it. Your heart is a gift that you will be comfortable sharing with the right person, just be patient.

I think your friend will understand your feelings and your slip-ups. If she is a really good friend, she will forgive you and she will take into account the fact that this is very new to you and you are eager. I think she probably also knows that the right person is out there for you and, in time, you will meet her and know happiness. When that happens, the "slip-ups" will disappear and the friendship will grow stronger.

FindingMyWay said...

Nicole, it makes a lot of sense that I'm experiencing the thought of the toy along with the box. I've had a real taste of what's out there and I do want to have that again some day. Taking my time SUCKS ROCKS but I do see the value in it. And like Jen said on my End Goal post, I should like ME and want to be around ME before I subject others to me. What can I give if I can't even love myself first?

And you know, I think my friend will understand as well. She has a great heart and an amazing capacity to forgive. Unfortunately I've tested her enough to know. :( I am grateful to her for so many things and it just isn't worth it to screw up that friendship. I hope it's true that the slip ups will disappear. She deserves that for sure!!

Thanks for your thoughts. They're always incredible!!

jen said...

I'm wondering how I missed this post. How I missed many of your posts... And I didn't make the connection until this second.

I hope things get better, and by standing your ground, the "friend" will not hurt you anymore.

FindingMyWay said...

Thanks Jen! I've taken good control of the situation and I will not be afraid anymore! Feels good.

Now go back in my archives and read them all! :) Everybody's doing it. Ha.