This afternoon I read a funny post on my sister's blog. I left a comment. Once I published it I immediately noticed that I had been signed in under this ultra-secret blog...the one that tells everyone I'm gay. (I have four blogs total, but only one that the majority of my friends/family read). I deleted my comment roughly 1/2 second later. But it was too late. I called my husband and we tested the process through his blog....sure enough, he was still notified of the comment with my profile name even though I had removed it.
I called my sister right away. I told her I'd like to talk to her tonight. She groaned. Then I made her promise that she wouldn't read her email/blog comments until I talked to her. She said, "I can just delete it and never look at it again...you know I like not knowing." I told her I'd let her know. Then I called her husband. He's known about my homosexuality for a few years and has recommended not telling my sister. Ugh.
My brother in law and I decided that even though I'm not ready to tell her, and even though she will NEVER be prepared to hear it, that this is probably a good opportunity for me to come out. Her curiosity will get the best of her. I have the desire to come out to the important people in my life, but I wasn't prepared for it today. My sister is the type who remains happily in denial. When it looks as though someone will threaten to bring her out of her denial she flips out! She sometimes even dissociates. I don't want to be the cause of her being upset. I don't want to remain closeted either.
My sister is the closest family member to me. I care more about her and our relationship than I do my parents, my brothers, my friends, etc. She has always been my best friend. That being said, she will definitely disagree with my life choices. I just don't know how she'll react. My BIL said that she sometimes reacts in anger and I should expect the worst. He's a psychologist and I have no doubt that he'll be able to help her work through things....but ARGH!!!! A part of me wants to protect her from the pain she'll inevitably experience...and I wonder if I should respect her desire to remain in the dark.... but when/how exactly do I follow my own desire to be authentic?
I guess tonight. Is that selfish?? I am scared to DEATH. And that doesn't even explain it accurately. Not only do I risk losing my sister, but I risk losing my best friend and the Auntie to my children. Everything will be different between us now and I'm afraid it won't be in a positive way.
I'm sure many of you have experienced this already. I would appreciate your positive energy at this time. I feel like I'm four years old, desperately needing the approval of my mommy and afraid I won't get it....again....