I've Been Betrayed

Please know that I'm completely aware of my own hypocrisy. I'm also aware of this massive confusion I'm currently experiencing. Here we go...

Tonight I was talking to Hubby about his adventures with our kids the other day. He took them for doughnuts and then to the museum. I knew he had a few coupons for free doughnuts and hot chocolate and I asked him if he used them all. He then told me that he used one of them for a coffee. What the hell?? I was completely shocked and reacted as such. I couldn't believe it. I sat in disbelief for a few seconds and then said, "You know, I think I would have taken it better if you had told me you had slept with a woman." Sad thing is, I think I meant it.

Back story. Of course we have been a good Mormon family for almost 17 years. We followed the Word of Wisdom and all the other rules of the church....as best we could. Some things were extremely important to us. No rated R movies. No shopping on Sundays. No coffee for him and no iced tea for me. And the list goes on and on. Well, I remember a very long time ago making a pact with Hubby that we wouldn't drink those things. I did have a rebellious moment when I broke up with my girlfriend a few years ago and started drinking iced tea. I think I had two total. I didn't feel good about it and stopped. He knew about it and he and I still had our pact. So now I'm going to explore my feelings.

I stopped going to church several months ago. Hubby continues to go to church with the kids but ends up sitting on the couch in the foyer during Gospel Doctrine and Priesthood meetings. I have "gone off the deep end" recently and watched three separate rated R movies. These weren't "bad" rated R movies (I know that you know what I'm talking about here).

1) Imagine Me and You (one F word, simple kissing lesbians)
2) 8: The Mormon Proposition (one F word, not much else)
3) The Passion of the Christ (massive brutality)

Okay, so, I've been a "bad girl." Well, at that time I recognized my attempt at breaking some of the rules that the LDS church has placed on me. I wanted to spread my wings. I wanted to be myself without worrying about the guilt that comes from such things while being completely entrenched in the church. But I also realized that I don't want to just throw all of my morals away. Not saying that you can't be moral when watching rated R movies. It's just my way of setting some boundaries for myself and staying within them so as to not go completely "off the deep end." Does that make sense?

Hubby drinking coffee broke our rules for ourselves...and he didn't run it by me first. Not that he answers to me, but it's a respect thing. I had talked to him about the movie thing and of course he didn't judge me, but he didn't talk to me about the coffee thing. And apparently he's been drinking it at work for a month or two. What?? Anyway, I was angry. It surprised me how angry I was. But as we talked more I realized that it was a symbol of our commitment to each other. And if he's willing to break that rule, then what other rules is he breaking without telling me? Is he "going off the deep end" and heading in a direction that will be destructive?

Our rule about those drinks was also a symbol of our commitment to the church. For some confusing and unexplained reason, even though I've stopped going to church, I have a hard time accepting the fact that Hubby sits on the couch each Sunday. I have a hard time thinking that he doesn't want to be there. I have a hard time that he stopped wearing his garments. I have a hard time imagining that one day he might not want to go to church at all. Even though all of the reasons are good enough for me to no longer be a part of things, I am scared to death that he'll stop going. I don't get it. It doesn't make sense but I know I feel all of that.

Some of you who are reading this are thinking "lighten up....it's coffee for hell's sake!!" You're absolutely right. It shouldn't be a big deal. I'm trying to deal with the confusion myself. I've been the woman who has had an affair while married.....and Hubby has been a saint. But I continue to feel betrayed by him now being a coffee drinker. Coffee itself should not be an issue with me. And I don't know that it is. But the symbolism is more difficult for me to get past. What does it mean? We had drawn a very firm line and now it's been crossed. His own words were "I bumped up the line." I think my fear is where the line will be bumped to next. I admit that I'm a black and white/all or nothing sort of gal, so it's hard for me to not assume that his drinking coffee won't lead to him smoking crack or something. It's a simple rule that has been broken but it was extremely important to both of us. I am a firm believer in rules. I am the type of person who is apt to go to the extreme so I need guidelines to keep me safe. If he's willing to break this rule, where will it stop? If I'm willing to break the rule of watching rated R movies, where will it stop? What will be next?

Coffee isn't bad all by itself. Nor is a rated R movie. I get that. My friend Nicole is rolling her eyes and getting ready to blast me for this post, I just know it! But it's all about the rules to me and I just don't know what to do about his betrayal. I mean, there's nothing I'm going to "do" but I'm still dealing with the confusion.

Lighten up much?? I know, I know...

But Ugh.