Coming Out to Ma

I've been having a desire to come out to more people. I'm worried about my kids and what their peers will do/say. I'm worried about EVERY little thing. But I still have the desire to be me. All of me. So last night, as I was trying to fall asleep, I kept imagining telling my mother not only that I'm gay, but that I've left the church. As I suspected with my sister, the church part was the hardest for her to take. I'm assuming it will be the same for my mom and step dad. They're temple workers and very dedicated!

I couldn't sleep last night. I kept picturing it. I determined that I would tell them this week. But this morning it wasn't good enough. I have to tell them RIGHT NOW!! That's kind of the way I work. Anyway, I called and made sure their afternoon was open, took a shower, and now I'm on my way. Well, once I hit the "publish" button on this blog.

My relationship with my mother has always been strained to say the least. What I've determined is that she'll most likely accept me but give me the pity love. You know "I love you EVEN THOUGH" type stuff. Oh well. As my therapist used to chant (well, not really chant) "Risk because you're willing to accept the consequence - not because it's safe or certain." Well, people... I'm ready. There's a possibility that I'll no longer be welcomed into their home... but I doubt it. There's a possibility they won't be able to look into my eyes ever again. There's a possibility that they'll preach to me constantly about the church and the importance of it in our lives. There are so many what-ifs that it's sickening to think too much about - so I'll try to stop. Yeah, that'll happen! What I do know is that no matter their response, I will feel good about finally being ME to at least a couple more people. And it will get me that much closer to coming out to the masses.

I'm taking a trip to see my dad in a few weeks for spring break. I've decided that considering I haven't seen him in a few years, and guessing it will be another few years before I see him in person again, that I want to come out to him while I'm there. I'm pretty sure it will be on our last day visiting. Having decided that I just couldn't feel right about telling him before I told my mom. So today it is!!

I've heard it gets easier but I'm just not feeling it. Wish me luck!