Friday, March 18, 2011

Our 17th Anniversary

Yes, I've been married to Hubby for 17 years. While we don't have a typical marriage, I do love him very much. He's a great friend, provider, father, person, etc. For the role he plays in my life, I am truly grateful.

As is typical for us these days, we went to dinner and talked about me being gay. Then we went on a drive and continued our talk. Toward the end he started crying. Then I started crying. We were talking of divorce again and we're both certain that will be our future...we just don't know when exactly. We talked about the kids and how we want to save them from bullying because their mom is gay. If it wasn't for the fear of what might happen to our kids, I would come completely out of the closet TODAY! That's honestly the only thing holding me back. During dinner I felt confident and free, and thought that if I were near my parents and siblings I would tell them everything right then! Then I started thinking about the kids.

Two of my kids I assume would be okay. It might suck for them, especially if kids teased them, but I think they're strong enough to get past it. My one son is who I worry the most about. He struggles as it is. He is already bullied for reasons that are unclear to me. He's a great kid and highly sensitive. I think that's what the kids notice and it's probably why they give him a hard time. But I think of adding a gay parent to the mix. Kids can be SO CRUEL!!! I imagine the taunting and how my son might handle it. I'm scared to death for him... for all of them actually. If there is the tiniest possibility that my children will one day be beaten up or want to kill themselves because I'm gay.... well, I'd rather stay closeted forever. But we can't predict the future, no matter how hard we try. So what do I do?

Hubby and I talk all the time about the fact that I want to come out completely. Then we always return to thoughts of our kids. I would do ANYthing for them. I want to be true to myself but it's not worth it if it kills my kids! I would never forgive myself. Maybe I'm being overly dramatic here, but the "what ifs" have me paralyzed. Bullying has sent kids to the grave before and I certainly don't want to add one more thing to the list of reasons my son is picked on. How much can he take? I just don't know the answers.

How do people deal with this? How can we be sure that our kids will be okay? We can assume anything, but we can't be certain. Do I take the chance or do I stay closeted until my kids are out of school? That's going to be a VERY long 10 years, if so. I hate to think of our next ten years of silence and pretending. It just doesn't feel right. But what about the kids??

How ironic is it that we were essentially planning our divorce all evening?
Happy Anniversary to us??

1 comment:

jen said...

That's what I spent my last anniversary (7th) doing. I'd already moved out, but it was still really sad and really hard.

I hope your kids do okay...
I trust that you'll find your way and come out at the right time...