Sunday, May 1, 2011

What To Do?

Hubby told me that my ex's husband said that he'd like to have lunch with him. He'd like to clear the air and apologize. I had nothing to say to Hubby. He was asking what I thought about it, but he already knows. I don't feel that I can tell him not to, but I'd really rather it not happen. It has been "safe" for us that we've had zero contact with them for the last 1 1/2 years. When we used to talk occasionally, things would always head down a road that wasn't positive... for all of us! I won't lie - I am able to deal with all of this much better through anger and hatred than I am with forgiveness and love. That may or may not be healthy, but it's how we've managed to get to this point. I don't want there to be a feeling of indifference between them/us. It just doesn't feel right.

I guess I should share a bit of background. Both of us couples were inseparable. The two H's were best friends and hung out a lot. There wasn't a day or night when we weren't all together in some form. Then the affair between us wives happened. Then we all stopped talking. Then we tried again and stopped and tried again and stopped, etc. and at some point my ex's husband threatened me. That's when all hell broke loose for Hubby and he hasn't been able to let it go. So, while the husbands could have possibly remained friends, they clung to their wives in solidarity and have ignored each other (mostly in anger) ever since. That's been very safe for us.

Now here we are, with one of the parties wanting to clear the air. I think Hubby would actually like to sit down and hear what he has to say. I don't like it and he knows that, but he has to decide. One of my fears is that if they sit down to discuss the past, and apologies, etc. then they might end up talking about how things are currently. I don't want them knowing one single thing about me and what our situation is like right now. I don't want them to know that I've come out to people. I don't want them to know how things are in my marriage/family. I don't want them to know there's an eventual divorce. To say that I am happy that they are moving is a huge understatement. The relief is incredible!! I just want there to be distance and nothing else. I don't want "good feelings" between any of us. I'm sure that makes me a horrible person, but that's how I feel safe. What's wrong with feeling safe?

I'm sure some of you have an opinion and I would appreciate hearing what it is. So, I'll open up the comment section and let you discuss this amongst yourselves. Thanks!!


yeti said...

that's a tough one. Would you husabnd be willing to go, but then when anything about you came up to say "that's not my story to tell" and in such protect you?

Jessica said...

Yeah, I'd let H go. He doesn't have to be the one apologizing and he doesn't have to share anything about you guys. He can just listen to DA (nice nickname by the way). I'd die not knowing what the dude has to say.

Nikki said...

I think that leaving things stuck in anger and hate is just plain bad karma. Hate and anger will live on in your heart and head as emotions that work to keep something alive between you and them. If you clear the air, maybe the indifference you spoke of, then you have to let the emotion go and that is hard. Sometimes bad emotion is better than no emotion if you aren't ready to let go.

We often say that the opposite of love is hate but I believe the opposite of love is indifference.

alex dumas said...

Amen to all. I think if the guy wants to clear the air and feel better, then let him.