UPDATE: At the bottom of this post I say that H and I are in a "lull." Perhaps I don't even know what that word means, considering two people have asked for clarification. :) All I meant is that things are quiet. Good, but quiet. We aren't discussing plans to move forward or not. We're just enjoying the quiet and not worrying so much about our possible divorce. We're just not sure. It has relieved us of some headaches and stress, for the time being, so we're just floating along quite nicely ... most likely getting ready for the next step, whatever that might be.
Another pretty amazing thing that happened in the past several months, is the fact that I came out to my brothers, a few local friends, my first local girlfriend and her husband, and a dear friend who used to be my bishop, who moved away a few years back. I've had a fairly good response from everyone. That doesn't surprise me. I have purposely surrounded myself with good, good people - their characters rival that of the very best.
I've only heard from 60% of my brothers, but that's okay. The first brother called and pretty much celebrated me. He was enthusiastic and accepting and even proud. I saved his voicemail and listen to it often. It brought me to my knees in humility, I can tell you that much. The other responses were kind of like, "Well, I don't know what I feel so I'm not going to say anything just yet. I'll let you know when I figure it out." I still haven't heard from the others and I'm not sure if I will. I only wish I knew if they actually received my letters or if they were lost in the mail.
The one thing I have to remind myself of is the fact that I've had years to get comfortable with my sexuality, and I can't expect others to feel comfortable immediately. I do wonder why some have to take the time to figure out what they feel... why do they have to "feel" anything at all? Why can't it just be? But I'll give them time because that's all I have. I do have faith in my brothers that they still love me.
There have been other small changes, or happenings. I had my first, and only as to date, coffee a couple of months ago. It was a symbol more than anything, that I'm okay. I can drink a coffee and not go straight to hell. I'm undecided on the taste, and I don't have any real desire to become an addict.
I have also met three online friends in real life, one of them bought me the coffee! These are great women and I'm glad to have finally met them. The one who bought me the coffee also invited me (and H) to go to the gay bar with her for her birthday celebration. It was fun, interesting and surreal, all at the same time. Again, it was another attempt at letting go of the guilt and just living without shame. I enjoyed what I experienced and wouldn't change it for anything, but I don't believe I'm going clubbing any time soon.
Things are changing ever so slightly and I'm enjoying myself. Hubby and I are in a bit of a lull, which is fine. We have to return there on occasion. I am enjoying the support from my online friends and even some in real life. This world is full of beautiful people and I'm only barely starting to get a taste. What remarkable individuals are out there if we'll let go of the stereotypes and just live!