Monday, September 26, 2011

I'm BAAAAACKKKK

Right now I want to shout a hearty "welcome back" to myself. If you've read from the beginning, you know there has been a lot of back and forth. Do I go, do I stay? Am I afraid, do I care? The one thing that remains true is that this blog has been important to me for a couple of reasons: 1) So that I can keep track of my thoughts, feelings, progress, etc. along this Gay Mormon Path and 2) To serve as a help for anyone else out there who might need someone to relate to. My story is important to more than just me and I'm going to continue to share it. So here I am, open to the public. Do not be offended if I don't respond to your comments, it's my new style (unless I KNOW you).

Since I last wrote, I got ahold of my ex and asked if we could talk before she moved away. We got together and chatted for a few hours, on her couch. What memories that couch has! It was all very surreal. I swung back and forth before meeting with her because I didn't know if it would be best to see her and talk to her again or not. A part of me thought it would bring up too much. A part of me thought it might bring closure. I asked for advice on my gay Facebook account and 99% of the people said DON'T DO IT!!! Just let it go. Turns out I just couldn't.

For the first hour or so we chatted about inconsequential things. After that we started talking about our feelings. Can you believe I cried? Yeah, and I pretty much didn't stop. While I was sitting there, it seemed like I wanted to kiss her, to  hold her, to love her the way I used to. I was a puddle of mush. I kept asking her to stay... to not move. I was partially serious. I probably even asked her to leave her H and run away with me (because I'm independently wealthy and could totally support us... even in the Bahamas!). Yeah.

She was a little funny. During our texts, in the planning stages of getting together, she made a point of telling me that she goes to the temple every single week and she has no intention of ruining that. She "loves where she is." Okay. Did she think I was going to attack her or something? Anyway. Then, as we were at her house, she mentioned that she's been fasting every other day in hopes of getting her house sold. She also mentioned the Book of Mormon being her favorite book. As I listened to her latest in spiritual fervor, I couldn't help but wonder who it was that she was trying to convince. She couldn't tell me enough just how happy she is. You know what?! That's good. I'm glad she's happy. I hope she keeps that close to her, in whatever form it shows itself. I truly want her happiness. I get to keep close the knowledge that I brought a form of happiness to her as well, at a time when it "worked" for both of us. That time is gone.

When I left, we embraced and I kissed her on the cheek. Who cares? It wasn't sexual, just a goodbye. I walked out her door one last time, toward my car, and watched her in my rear view mirror as I drove away. That's the way we always left each other - driving slowly, as the other stood on the porch watching. I stayed at the stop sign a little too long, not wanting her to disappear from my view. And then I drove away, sobbing.

Do you want to know something extremely bizarre? That was closure!! I worried (because of all the advice) that it would bring up too much and I would be left longing for what used to be. I admit that as I was sitting on her couch, holding her hand at times, that I dreamed a little of the past. But a few days later they moved. I can drive up and down whichever roads I desire and I don't even look at her house each time I pass that street. I don't think about her as I pull up to Walmart, wondering if I'll run into her. I don't look at every single white minivan, wondering if it's her. I can honestly say that a week or two goes by without a single thought, and then it's fleeting. It's not "wow, I wish I could see her," but it's more like, "hmmm, they're gone. I wonder how the kids are?" The load that has been lifted from me is indescribable and I find myself laughing at the me who half-heartedly begged her to run off with me.

Closure is amazing, people! I haven't "longed" for her again. My heart and mind have been completely freed and I'm moving on. I never thought I would get to that place, but here I am enjoying every free moment. I have reclaimed my little town!

4 comments:

yeti said...

welcome back!
glad that you've found closure.

Neal said...

Welcome back!

That bit about watching her in the rear view mirror reminds me of a touching scene in Brokeback Mountain.

But I'm glad you got some close and your life is a little less complicated now. :)

Love ya!

FindingMyWay said...

RN - I finally saw that movie and I LOVED it. So sweet. I'll have to watch it again to see what scene you're talking about.

Thanks! I love you too! Always.

alex dumas said...

You never told me about this! Good thing I didn't delete your blog feed from my reader. How do I get some of that closure stuff?