I decided to go to a movie today, all alone. It started at 1:20. I was one of two women in the entire theater. Approximately 45 minutes into it, I received a text from Hubby.
"Holy shit. I just got an email saying that the judge signed our papers."
I replied with an "OMG" and an "I'm sobbing in the theater."
Then I texted Kim. She asked what I needed and offered to meet me at her house, even though she was supposed to work until 5:00. I walked out of the theater, grabbed a large amount of toilet paper on my way, and got in my car. I could hardly breathe through the violent tears. I called Kim and made plans to meet her and then I called Hubby. I could barely talk and we just kept apologizing to each other. We agreed that this caught us off guard considering it was 2 1/2 weeks ago when our mediator filed the papers with the court. I thought it would be a month at the earliest, but it could have been up to three.
Married March 18, 1994
Divorced May 9, 2012
Just over 18 years of tremendous blessings and love and friendship and laughter and co-parenting and fun. The beauty of it is that we can still enjoy those very things for the remainder of our days, and we plan to. Just one judge's signature doesn't take away any of that, and I'm grateful.
I fell into Kim's arms and she held me. She didn't need to say a word, but we laid together on her bed as I sobbed. She said, "I'm sorry, baby," and "I love you." I cried for a bit and then we talked. I tried to describe my feelings and it went something like this:
I thought I was prepared but this really caught me off guard. I'm feeling so much but I have no idea what I'm feeling. I've been ready for it and I want it, but...
Kim said she had felt similar feelings when she went through her divorce, and she explained some of it. It really resonated with me. Some of my thoughts, now that I can put words to them:
* We've been together for almost 19 years, married for just over 18. That's big. I was married almost half of my life. Now it's over.
* I'm worried about my kids - they're now children of divorced parents.
* I'm sad to suffer such a loss. Divorce was never something I envisioned for myself, until the past couple of years. As ideally as we've made it, it will never be a feel-good thing.
* I'm worried about Hubby. He has selflessly gone along with this because he knows it will bring me the greatest happiness, but deep down he's terrified of moving on.
* Continued fear about telling the people closest to us, and their reactions.
* I have to get a job and that scares the bejeebers out of me. No insurance, ya know?
* I am excited because I'm being true to myself. I can finally breathe a sigh of relief that I'm a gay woman, with nothing more to hide. No secrets. No living two lives. Excited, I tell you.
* I have a partner. My Love. My heart. The woman I will spend the rest of my life with.
* I'm no longer committing adultery, which feels quite remarkable. Yes, I had Hubby's blessing and permission, and we both felt peace with that decision, but I admit it's a great feeling to be completely untied.
I love Hubby tremendously. Crap! Ex-Hubby. I keep forgetting to say that. I need a better word for it, other than "ex" because we don't like that. Any suggestions? Anyway, I love him. He will always be very dear to me and will continue to be my best friend. I am grateful for his commitment to me for all of these years, through many difficult moments and now two affairs. His character is among the best in existence. I am anxious to find him a companion that can bring him the same amount of happiness that I currently experience. I want the perfect woman for him that can take care of his heart and become one with him. He is going to give it a little while and then start dating, even though he's terrified at the prospect. He's worth so much and I will be thrilled for him to find the woman of his dreams.
One of the best moments of today was when Kim said, "You may be divorced, but you're not single!" She has my heart and I'm so grateful. She does a wonderful job of taking care of me. I've never been as grateful for her as I have been today.
Wanna know what I've been thinking about all afternoon? I wonder if I could take my ticket stub back to the theater tomorrow and see if they'll let me catch the last half of the movie. That tells me that I'm going to be okay. This has been hard, yet it's beautiful and freeing at the same time. I believe it will be business as usual.
I'll leave you with a few pictures of us during the process, because it's meant a lot to me to have the visual that Hubby and I can still work together even though we're now apart.
Signing the papers with our mediator.
Attending the mandatory 3 hours divorce education class for parents.
Telling our boys (our daughter already knew).
This picture is not of the two of us. You can tell because I hate wearing dresses.
And this is what I get to enjoy from now on. Again, not a real picture of Kim and I. You can tell because my butt is way bigger than that.