Sunday, January 6, 2013

Journal Entry - Dec 12, 2003

I cleaned off my bookshelf last night and look at what I found...

I have faith that there is a beautiful heaven to return to when our tasks here on earth are complete.

I have a love for my Heavenly Father and Mother, who lovingly sent me down to earth to learn and grow.

I believe with all my heart that the trees and flowers and birds were created to make us happy, and to help us see the beauty in an otherwise darkened world.

I have faith that in order to enter the Celestial Kingdom, with my dear husband and children, I need to do my part and keep the covenants which I have made in the temple of the Lord.

I believe that serving others and forgetting about myself, for just a brief moment in time, will bring much needed happiness.

I trust in the Lord to give me added strength, when I've done all I can do.

I believe in past and modern day prophets who speak with Heavenly Father and receive divine inspiration for each of us.

I believe that there are precious individuals who are placed upon our pathway of life to help and teach us at just the right moment.

I believe in divine inspiration because I've witnessed it in others so many times.

I have faith in life after death and that we can live an eternity of love and splendor with our loved ones.

Why then would I willingly choose to take a chance on ruining that for myself?

How can I have such high morals and try my best each day to live as righteously as I can yet give it all up for what feels good?

Why would I choose to leave this earthly life and my beautiful family in such a horrible way?

As strong as my beliefs are, my temptations and actions are proving that my evil spirit will most likely win this war inside.

What I've done is unacceptable and conflicts with everything I've ever believed in. yet something inside speaks loudly that it's a worth it to go down that road again. Why not one more time?

My previous plan to kill myself also goes against my beliefs but I desperately wanted to end the misery in this life.

Daily I struggle with this certain temptation that would not only affect everyone I care about, but many other lives as well.

I'm struggling to fight the demon inside but while it has always seemed to bring me down slowly, it has now turned on me with full force and is quickly dragging me into an eternal hell.

Am I strong enough and dedicated enough to conquer the evil one or will I choose the path that is so safe and so familiar to me? The escape I've been wanting for as long as I can remember?

Everyone in my life is trying to convince me that I will make it. "Just give it a little more time and effort and you'll conquer these trials." "Peace is right around the corner." I've been around endless corners and I have yet to feel the peace I've worked for.

I feel I've worked hard. I feel I've given it my all. How much longer can I be expected to wait for my turn at peace?

I love my Heavenly Father but I feel as though I've been forgotten. I feel as though he's turned on me. I'm not worth it. I'm doomed to live or die with this trial in my life. It is now my choice.

The battle is on and in great force. What will I choose? Who will win this inner struggle? I'm laying bets on the evil one. He's more familiar and comfortable. It's not as hard and has quicker results. I'm exhausted and ready to give up.

What about my family? What about my faith and belief system?

And on goes the conflict within.

I was clearly struggling. I was very obviously talking about homosexuality, but this was 2 1/2 years before I ever realized I am gay. I find it interesting that I referred to myself as "evil," and that I had a "demon inside." The battle was constant and as long as I can remember. I loathed myself for years, for no apparent reason. No matter the determination, high morals, and testimony of the gospel, I never felt at peace. My actions most always aligned with the standards of the church, yet the inner peace and joy did not exist.

Today, as I'm divorced from my husband of 18 years, an excommunicated member of the church, in love and experiencing an emotional, intellectual, spiritual and physical relationship with a woman, and no longer attending my weekly church meetings, I AM AT PEACE. How can that be?! That's not what I learned as a child, as a youth. It's in direct conflict with what we've all been taught, yet here I am feeling it, experiencing it, and loving it.

I believe it's because God looks on the heart, and my heart is good. My heart is pure.

I'm so grateful I'm no longer there. It feels good to have figured it out!


yeti said...

Thanks for sharing this.
I am glad you have found peace.
Right now I can most relate to this line "I love my Heavenly Father but I feel as though I've been forgotten. I feel as though he's turned on me. I'm not worth it." Although I'm not sure I can really say that I love him. I love certain ideas I have about who he is, I am just not really sure who he is.
I think I might like to write something like what you've recorded here. What are the hopes I am clinging to, and why isn't that working for me.

Kelly slash FindingMyWay said...

Until I recognized the true nature of God, I believed He must not love me like everyone else. I always felt like He was disappointed in me. I had to change my views about who He is. God didn't change - my belief in Him changed. It was the best thing that ever happened to me because God is NOT someone who turns on us and feels we're not worth it. God is love.

yeti said...

I like that. I wish I could believe it.