Sunday, January 6, 2013

Journal Entry - Jan 4, 2007

I found this journal entry as well. This was written about six months after I realized I am gay, while attempting to do everything possible to make it all work out beautifully. The sorrow and confusion was almost more than I could stand.

I'm lonely. Yesterday I was curled up in a ball, in the dark, in my bedroom because I had been crying all afternoon. Kendall asked what was wrong. I told him I had a headache and then he left the room. A little bit later he left for scouts. When he came home, he didn't ask how I was feeling. He fell asleep on the couch while I watched TV, as is typical every night of the week. Tonight he came home late. I laid on the couch not feeling well, mainly emotionally. He stood in the kitchen, reading a magazine. I realized we're constantly in two separate worlds and we rarely come together. That started me thinking about our entire marriage. I've never been "one" with him but I'm more aware now than ever that I don't want to be. I know it's expected and I know that he deserves that, but I can't give that to him. He doesn't give me what I need and I'm unwilling to give him what he needs. Where does that leave us? What kind of future does that create?

There's a cycle that seems to be never-ending in my life. I can't get what I need from Kendall, and I can't give him what he needs, which creates incredible loneliness. That loneliness leads to bad behavior, which includes reaching out to people I shouldn't reach out to. Then I realize I've ruined relationships and friendships and it leaves me even more lonely. I know that fixing my relationship with Kendall would possibly fix the loneliness, but I find myself confused at the fact that I don't want it fixed. I don't want to feel close to him even though I'm supposed to. It's unacceptable to find that connection elsewhere but I don't want Kendall to be that person for me. I don't want him to comfort me, be emotional with me, or love me the way a husband is supposed to love his wife. I don't want to feel that connection with him, yet I'm pissed off that he's unwilling to try to bond with me in that way.

I need a connection and I'm looking for it in inappropriate places. I shouldn't. I don't want my friendship to end but I constantly push it and I know that eventually I'll have ruined a very good thing. The emotional high is more important to me even though I have the knowledge of what the end could possibly be. I want more but I don't. I'm left lonely, angry and resentful. Angry with Kendall that he doesn't know what I need after this long. I'm resentful for other people's relationships that seem so loving and so easy. I'm mostly angry with myself for not being able to be the woman, friend and wife that I'm expected to be.

I want the touching, the talking, the crying, the loving, the full heart, but none of that would be okay. I'm sick to my stomach on most days because of what I can't have, especially when I realized that I don't want what I'm supposed to have. Where does this leave me? Will I be unhappy and lonely for the rest of my life? Will I one day want that with Kendall? Will I ever be a person that is satisfied with her life? That is satisfied and filled up emotionally with a husband even though I long for a woman? Will my actions ever prove that I'm a good person who is trying to make a difference? Or will I constantly do things to sabotage everything positive in my life?

It must be pointed out that Kendall wasn't "unwilling to try to bond with me in that way." That poor soul did what he could at all times to make it a good marriage. I just couldn't respond the way a wife generally wants to.

I am so grateful that I found my answer. My answer was to listen to my heart and embrace my truth; to open up and let the real me emerge; to let go of a marriage that would never work; to shun the "supposed to" image and go with what felt right. Not what felt "good," but what felt "right." There's such a difference!

This life isn't always easy, but I'm so grateful that I no longer fight against my truth. I made it so much harder for myself and everyone else for so many years. Stepping into me has made all the difference. It's not always easy, or appreciated by some, but there's no question that it brings more peace than anything I've ever felt (and I used to be a temple going woman!).

Again, I'm so happy that I'm no longer in that desperate state of loneliness and confusion. My mind is so light; the burdens were lifted; my heart is full.


Jessica said...

Unfortunately, this is all too familiar.

Very glad you made it through the hardest part.

Much love to you my dear friend KellyslashFindingMyWay.

Sonja said...

I'm really glad that you've found love and peace, which is so hard for many of us GLBTIQ LDS folk. I really don't know why the Church as an organisation makes it so hard for us to merely live, let alone feel loved and accepted as people, and it breaks my heart. I feel like I've dodged a giant bullet in still being attracted to the opposite sex, because I know and I've seen just how much harder my journey would be without that comfort of being able to "fit in". And so I take my hat off to you, in being strong enough to find your way.
About you saying about how recently you've been able to feel the Spirit often and strongly, I remember hearing something recently about needing to love ourselves before we are able to love God and feel of His love, which brings us into the right environment to feel the Spirit. :)