Thursday, May 9, 2013

Heart Vs. Head

I have always sucked at these type of decisions. My heart always wins out and that's not necessarily a good thing. I fall fast and I fall hard. What is so wrong with following your heart? Maybe nothing, as long as your head is in the game as well.

I found myself in a unique situation called trying to use my head for once. This is rare, I promise. It's foreign to me and honestly I haven't the first clue. I tried my hand at it recently and it sucked. My heart was longing, searching, being torn apart. I'm not going to lie - I had to have reinforcements for the head part.

There are a few people I trust with this type of thing. They have no personal stake in the outcome either way. They are brutally honest and will share with me the sad truth, even if it hurts to hear it. I've turned to them because my heart hurt so much that I'm scared to death to become vulnerable again. My heart  hurt because of me. My heart hurt because of another. All I am able to see right now is that My.Heart.Hurts. Guess what!? My HEART is telling me that it's tender and sore and bleeding and shaky and wanting and loving and hoping and just doesn't know how to stop. My head? Well, it's working over time and feels like it's ready to explode.

I know that making decisions at this point in time is not my strength. I don't trust my heart. I don't trust my head. Everything spins and makes me dizzy. I find myself wanting to run. Is that because I don't love/feel/want/hope? (heart) Pshaw - No. Is that because I do love/feel/want/hope? (head) Maybe. The fact is, this type of decision, directly after having such a heart-wrenching experience, takes more than a few minutes to make. There should be careful consideration, weighing of pros and cons and such. My initial response is to jump in and run with it (heart) and deal with the ramifications later (head). Is it wrong to be careful when my heart is so vulnerable? Does that mean I don't care? I think it means just the opposite. There's so much at stake in so many lives.

My friend, The Wiki:

Gain information: What is the implied benefit of the decision? Will it be something you'll ever regret? Although your mind may be telling you that the temporary benefit of a bad decision will be a wise one, in your heart you may still know that it's not the best thing to do. Seek information about it and evaluate in your mind.

Identify problems: What might go wrong? Will you feel good after making the decision?

Explore options: Think about what's best for you, and most of the time doing what your heart tells you to do is the best choice.

Implement a plan and make a choice. Learn from your mistakes and try, try again.

By listening to your heart, you can train your mind to think like it and eventually get them to work in harmony.

Oh well. In the end it just doesn't matter.

I guess it's no surprise that Kim and I have parted ways. I've purposely not shared because of many reasons. Hey! Looky here!! I'm a failure. I'm not "worth it." I'm unlovable. I will never be able to manage a meaningful relationship. And on and on. Who wants everyone to see all of that? My extended family doesn't even know the reasons. One day I was with Kim, the next day I wasn't. And nobody asks. A few close friends know more, but again, why would I want the world to know my ugly truth?

We were together for 15 months. She was the love of my life and I planned to marry her. It turns out we weren't able to remain together. Why? I don't believe it matters (to all y'all) and I'm not interested in public sharing. She and I both have flaws, both tried to work on them, both succeeded and failed in varying degrees. The fact is that I loved her more than I've loved another. Truly. I learned a lot during our relationship. I evolved in my journey fairly significantly. Regrets? Not a single one because I've learned and continue to learn. We just couldn't be together any longer. This was a hard pill to swallow, since I wore her ring and had goals and made promises and had dreams. I'm not big on failure, although my love life suggests just the opposite. But here I am with another failed relationship under my belt.

My heart.
My head.
My spirit.
Hanging on.

I guess I trust my spirit? For now, that's the plan cuz the other two are worthless, or so it seems.


yeti said...

That's tough,

Wishing you the best.

Juniper said...

I know breakups are painful, no matter when or how they happen. I’m so sorry that you’re hurting so much.

I have a couple of suggestions that may or may not be helpful.

A 15 month relationship that ends does not begin to be a “failed relationship.” It is a successful relationship. A successful learning experience that ended because it needed to end, because of one person or both people. A 15 month relationship is a discerning dating relationship, not a marriage (even if the people married prematurely) because it takes at least 15 months to begin to know each other well enough and for each person to begin to engage in the discerning process, however deeply attracted we were from the beginning.

The most important question for you is whether the relationship needs to end or should end after 15 months, or whether the discerning period should continue a little longer (the discerning dating period . . . which is not yet a marriage). If it needs to end, have the courage to end it after significant in-person conversations about why it needs to end. This allows the growing to take place for both people. This allows the relationship to be a successful relationship, even if it needs to end.

If you love someone so completely that you give to them your sense of worth, lovability, and success or failure in relationships, you have perhaps given away more than anyone should. Deep disappointments and deep hurts are inevitable, in intimate relationships that continue and in ones that end. Getting stronger means developing the understanding and power to make decisions based on things other than the fear of being hurt. It means knowing that your heart is never wholly another's and never should be. Your heart is your own and your capacity to love is your own and your need to be loved is your own. And when someone hurts us that's only one part of the picture . . . and never extends to our ability to love and our loveability unless we let it . . . unless we have given away to someone else more than is ever right to give.

This is easier said than done, I realize. I have only learned to do it after several difficult and painful experiences and lots of deliberate work at learning to believe the truth. My heart can be broken because my heart is open, but my heart can never be broken in the same debilitating way, now that I know that my ability to love and be loved is always my own.

Kelly slash FindingMyWay said...

Thank you both for the sentiment and for stopping by.