Pending Divorce

Hubby and I had our appointment with the mediator this afternoon. It's no surprise that we've both been pretty emotional recently, especially today. We've both cried on and off all day... sometimes almost hysterically. I admit that I've gone back and forth - is this the right thing or not? And then I wonder if the reason I'm wondering if it's the right thing is because it's actually the wrong thing. Hubby has done the same. We both keep focusing on the feelings we've had in the past that have told us that divorce is really the only option that will satisfy both of us in the long run. We came to the conclusion that divorce is never going to feel good. Even though it's as ideal as you can get, it's still very sad. Our 18 year anniversary is coming up and that's a very long time! It's the end to a beautiful story, but the beginning of another that will hopefully bring us both peace and fulfillment in the future.

As sad as we've been, we met with the mediator today and suddenly we were both calm and collected. We answered some very hard questions about children and finances and our home. It was very surreal to be talking about the end of our marriage. We shook our heads several times, somewhat in disbelief. Of course we never planned on the demise of our marriage, but here we are.

I'm grateful for a husband who recognizes my inability to provide for myself and/or my children and who has offered to continue to take care of me as long as it takes. I will be looking for a job because my medication alone is $300 per month without insurance. I need to be able to contribute to this household on a financial level. I am scared to death! I haven't worked outside the home for 20 years. It should be interesting. I trust that everything will fall into place for us and I'll be employed and helping out in no time. All I know is that my husband is incredible and will help me as I need it, knowing that one day I'll be able to help out as well. We keep saying that this would be so much easier if we hated each other. At least it would make sense. But deep down I am very grateful for the love we share as co-parents and best friends. It will pull us through the hard times, as it always has.

Next up, we verify that the paperwork is correct and then move forward. She will write up our documents and then file with the court. Once that happens it could be 2-3 months before our divorce is final. Our daughter knows that all of this is going on, but our boys do not. Within the next week or two we will have that discussion with them and then we'll talk to a few other family members. First my sister, then our mothers and my dad. Other than that, everyone else can find out through the grapevine as I'm sure it will spread quickly.

I have been fortunate enough to have my girlfriend as a loving support. Unfortunately Hubby hasn't been so lucky. He is desperately wishing there was someone he could turn to and discuss his feelings about all of it. He is a member of a straight spouse group through the internet, and has recently started talking about his feelings. I'm praying that he finds the support he needs and that the members are gentle and loving toward him. He's a superb individual with so much to give! He (we) didn't ask for any of this. Of course I feel like I should take the "blame" if there is any, even though I don't have a choice whether or not I'm gay. Even if I could have known years ago that I'm gay, I wouldn't have given up the amazing years I've spent with my husband. I'm glad it has happened in the exact way that it has, although I'm saddened that I couldn't be more for him. He's also sad that he couldn't be more for me. So we divorce and find fulfillment elsewhere, yet keep our friendship alive. I admit that I'm excited to see how happy he will be once he finds someone who can love him the way he deserves to be loved. This man deserves the best there is!

There's lots of rambling going on here. I guess I'll wrap it up. This past 18+ years has been quite the ride and it's bittersweet here in the end, but we're both confident that it's the right decision for both of us. At least we've had that confirmation, which is such a relief. And now we move forward.