I would feel very ungrateful today if I didn't recognize the 18 years I've been married to Hubby. I am in awe of the person he is and the love he feels for me. I don't believe there is a selfish bone in his body.
Our mediator was given the go ahead last week to prepare our final papers for court. It's funny how all these months I've been thinking things like "just not around Christmas time," or "not around birthdays," and here we are with it happening around our anniversary. I have to keep reminding myself that there will never be the perfect time for a divorce from someone I love so profoundly. There will never be a time when it feels good. But I also have to remind myself that we've both had confirmation many times over the past couple of years that this is indeed the right decision. Even though it feels "right"... it will never feel "happy."
Divorce isn't something that should ever have to happen, especially for people who love each other so much. At the same time, a gay woman should never have to be married to a straight man. A straight man should never have to be married to a gay woman. But here we are, doing the best we know how with what we've been given. Today I am grateful that the man I ended up marrying is doing everything he can to bring me to the happiness he believes I deserve. He could have been angry or resentful or unwilling to provide for me... yet he's nothing but helpful and encouraging and loving at all times.
Two to three years ago Hubby and I both let go emotionally and faced the truth that we'll just never be for each other what we should be. That has helped in the process, having that closure on our relationship, but it will not be an easy thing to have it so final. It will sting, like it is today. But we keep hanging onto the knowledge we both have of an unfulfilled, empty and lonely future if we were to stay together. When we're able to tap into that we actually get excited for the futures that we're both looking toward, full of love, desire, fulfillment and being one with the person who is our soul mate. I am fortunate to have found the love of my life already, but now we need to work on the Hubby.
I spent many years being angry for having to be gay and married and in such a difficult situation... but today I am letting go of the anger and recognizing that if I had to get married, at least it was to Hubby and what a beautiful 18 + years it's been. I get to grasp a hold of the idea that even though it's not an ideal situation, it's just about as perfect as a situation like this could be. I really am very fortunate.
Onward and upward!