I've been attending Bible Study every Wednesday night with a friend, at her Baptist church. We're in the middle of doing a 12 week study and we began with the creation. Although the pastor has mentioned homosexuality a few times, it hasn't been unbearable until tonight.
Suddenly my mind flashed back to almost ten years ago when I was in the middle of my deepest depression, in and out of hospitals, wanting to die... hitting my rock bottom. The messages of "abomination," "unnatural," "Adam and Eve - Not Adam and Steve," were pounding in my ears. Then the messages of "of course we love homosexuals, but we need to tell the them TRUTH," "it's just like a drunk uncle, or liar and we still need to love them," and "God hates the sin, not the sinner," pounded even louder. I sat up and found myself shaking my head in disbelief, feeling like the progress I've made took a huge turn for the worse. Tears started flowing and I could feel myself start to (almost) convulse. My friend gave me some tissues but I knew I was about to sob loudly, so I had to leave the room. I tried to gather myself in the bathroom, but after 10 minutes of continued hysteria, I decided it best to head home.
I consider myself a Christian in every sense of the word. I'm a believer. I know what the Bible states and I know what the general Christian population feels about homosexuality. While I feel that I've made huge progress in this area, apparently the hurt and disappointment isn't far from the surface. I've tried several denominations in an attempt to keep spirituality an active part of my life. How can I get away from the Christian belief of "hate the sin, love the sinner" and still participate in a Christian religion? If I'm going to get that everywhere I go, why wouldn't I just go back to the LDS church? It's the closest thing I've found to what I feel in my heart... yet the messages that drove me to attempt suicide twice, and to consider it almost every day for most of my life, ring through the rafters of that church (and apparently many others).
I've always said that I wouldn't mind going back to the LDS church as long as I could leave the anger and resentment behind. I'll always hurt, but I believe I'm much closer to healing than I used to be. I also believe it will be completely manageable at some point.
Tonight proved to me that I'm just not there. I know that my progress hasn't disappeared, but in that moment it felt as though I was right back in the middle of the worst of it, feeling small and unnatural and an abomination. I felt myself shrinking and feeling horrible about myself.
Spirituality will have to come in other forms at this moment in time.
Tonight, with swollen eyes and a pounding head, I will try to remember that my heart knows God and God knows my heart. All the rest will take care of itself.