Spreading the Love Inappropriately

I keep giving parts of my heart to people. While most of the time that's probably okay, to spread it around and enjoy relationships... sometimes it just isn't. I have to be careful because I've noticed that by trying to become whole I am also becoming eager to share that part of myself.

What? Was it just yesterday that I said I have no idea what my end goal is? That I'm not even considering having a girlfriend down the road? And now I recognize the truth that I'm damaging parts of my heart because I'm sharing it too soon.

I have a very good friend that has been an integral part of my life in the past year. We have never met, but we've shared an incredible amount of ourselves with each other daily. She continues to shed light on what I thought were only dark situations in my life. She has brought hope and understanding. She guides me in this gay life that I'm trying to lead. Plus, she's just really enjoyable. Unfortunately I have struggled with wanting to flirt with her. She has asked me to stop on several occasions, but do I listen? Sometimes. I'll be good for a while and then something will pop up and oops, there I go again! It makes me feel bad when she doesn't reciprocate. But more importantly it makes her feel bad because she's simply not interested. Most of the time I am confident in our relationship...she's a wonderful friend that I will have throughout my life, I have no doubt. But every now and again I slip up and cause problems. What in the h.e.double-hockey-sticks is my problem? (She's simply too charming). Although that's true, I'm just too eager to experience love in a part of my heart that has been hidden for too long. I am not in love with her but I do love her. She's a very important part of my life. It's not worth screwing that up so I have to get back on track and stop the insanity that is called flirting!

Around Christmas time I found myself in a very brief, online relationship. This created much confusion because I thought I had set up great boundaries to prevent such a thing from happening. I was staying out of the gay bars. I wasn't talking with anyone in "real life." I had made the decision to remain married and celibate. And then WHAM! My world was rocked just a little. Because I had planned against such a thing, I was completely shocked that it had happened. How absurd!

I was suddenly caught up in a whirlwind romance. I shared very intimate details of my life with a complete stranger. I said things that I regret saying, even though I felt them. I tried to keep things above board because I'm a married woman... but it was excruciatingly difficult because my heart had been opened to the possibility of love. Five days after our first contact, I ended it, making the painful decision to cut all ties and remain faithful to Hubby. I don't regret that decision, although I absolutely do regret causing pain and confusion to everyone involved. Unless and until I make the necessary changes in my marriage, I am simply not free to give my heart to another.

But WOW did my heart come back to life! It was in that moment that I knew, without any question, that my future will be filled with "possibilities" and that it's not fair to explore them while married. There is no protection against meeting someone. I can meet someone online, in the grocery store, at the library, in classes, etc. even if I'm decidedly against said meeting. That is why I'm seeking these changes in my marriage, and NOT because I don't love Hubby. I don't want to damage my relationship with him. I want us to continue to be best friends and co-parents. I want to treat him with as much respect as he shows me on a daily basis.

What I have realized is that my heart is beating with a very specific purpose. It has felt love with Hubby, of course, but this kind is much different. And it's powerful beyond belief! I have to pay closer attention to what it desires because I found that it only takes a brief moment to let it carry me away. People continue to hurt because of ME and the experiments I'm allowing my heart. That's not fair to anyone.

What I do know is that I have an extraordinary amount of love to share with someone. My heart is amazing, just like yours, and I want to let it breathe and experience love the way it was created. Although it may seem like I am too willing to give parts of it away, I actually don't do it lightly. I do it with purpose. I do it with genuine desire and love.

In the meantime I am messing up a very valuable relationship that is right in front of me. The most important relationship I've had to date. Hubby deserves more than I continue to give. I'm going to work on that, along with my relationship with my dear friend. I don't want to lose two of the most important people in my life! I have to stop the insanity that is sharing my heart in inappropriate ways. I need to stop being so eager. There is a proper way to enjoy all that I have and all that I desire. There is time.